There is Butch, and then there is FTM.

I had a brief discussion today with a friend of mine regarding a situation she finds herself in. For as long as I have known her she has been very sure of her orientation. She is a cisgender woman who identifies as a woman and is attracted to men – not women. As she put it so often, she has had girl crushes but nothing more than a simple appreciation of beauty and nothing more. Yet, she is now in a situation where she has met someone online who happens to be a butch lesbian. She has developed feelings for said butch and is pursuing, or wishing to, pursue a relationship with her. Yet, as one can only imagine, she is now on unknown terrain and appears to be confused about certain things. For example, in today’s email I made mention of said butch and I being different (butch/TG) and she seemed a bit confused as to what those differences were. In all sincerity, in her opinion, she believed the differences were that the butch woman she is seeing lives her life as a man yet does not wish to have surgery. I smiled and tried to explain the difference as briefly as possible but will be speaking to her later in regards to this topic. It did bring up a wonderful post idea though. I can imagine that for many this may be the universal understanding, particularly in the “straight world” seeing how lesbian and gay men also appear to be confused over it as well.

Masculinity has always been linked to males alone, but if one were to sit back and take all things into consideration it would be apparent to all that such a simplistic ideology is simply misleading and incorrect. Masculinity can be used to describe both cismales and cisfemales. There are countless women who identify as female yet embrace their masculinity. The labels are numerous: butch, boi, stud, stone butch, androgynous, gender-queer, etc. This is perhaps where the lines get a bit blurred for many and paves the way to many misguided stereotypes. It can be quite the tangled web but let me see if I am able to simply it in a way that will make sense.

As I have stated, masculinity is not only applied to cismales. Men and women both have the ability to possess masculinity in various levels – some more than others. A very blunt summary of the concluding point of the previous statement is that “butch” is not a “gender identity.” A misguided notion that is further enforced by the use of the terminology “butch/FTM” being used, implying that a connection between the two exists when there really isn’t. This is not to say that we do not share things in common, of course we do. As a matter of fact I have met many transmen who first came out and identified as butch lesbians. I myself identified as a stone butch for quite some time prior to truly understanding and embracing the person I was – the man that I was inside both mentally and emotionally.

So, if that is so common, what is the difference?

Butch is a female lesbian identity – butch is not a gender. Of course you will come across some people who do not even wish to use the patriarchal terminology of male and female. But the truth is that we live in a world where this is embraced and strongly reinforced from the very moment we are born (think blue blankets for baby boys and pink for baby girls). Therefore we have male and female – there is no male, female and butch. A butch lesbian and a FTM individual are not one in the same, the terminology is not interchangeable. Butch lesbians are attracted to other lesbians – keyword here is lesbians. Their attraction may be drawn by other butches, femmes, studs, etc. However it will be towards other lesbian women because Butch is distinctly a lesbian identity (please keep in mind I am referring to the butch identity – not the femme identity).

Seeing how butch lesbians retain their identity of being female they are in fact not transgender. A transgender FTM does not identify as being a woman at all. Butches embrace being masculine women whereas transmen embrace being male – not necessarily masculinity. As if sexuality and gender identity weren’t complex enough for those who are not familiar with all its many facets, it gets even more complex with yet another layer. Not all FTM transmen will be masculine or even “heterosexual” (attracted to women). Falling through the rabbit hole yet? Yes, there are transmen who will transition from female-to-male yet be attracted to other men – just as there are male-to-female transwomen that identify as lesbians.

 

Yes, I do so love the beauty of sexuality and all it encompasses.

Daily occurrences in the life of a transman.

It is often something that I can easily oversee yet in spite of this ability to dismiss things I will still have moments throughout my days where I will come across small reminders of how different life is for someone who identifies as transgender [TG] versus someone who is cis-gendered. For those of you who are not familiar with the term “cisgender” it is a label for “individuals who have a match between the gender they were assigned at birth, their bodies, and their personal identity”, complementing “transgender.” Being transgender means that your gender and sex are not congruent. For example, I was born in a female body yet I identify as male.

Although being who I am is quite easy for me, we do live in a world where it is not always accepted and regrettably there are things that those of us who are TG do have to face each day. There are many who are able to easily “pass” as the gender they identify as – in fact there are numerous options to facilitate this. Given how I am female-to-male, I will be referencing things that apply to those of us who are FTM, however there are also options for those who are male-to-female. In my case I would have surgery and hormone therapy to assist me in my transition – yet I am a pre-op transgendered man. Meaning, I have not had top surgery nor have I been placed on hormone replacement therapy [HRT]. Surgery is costly, as is HRT, therefore not many can fully transition therefore “passing” in society as males is often difficult. Regrettably, in my case, those options are not easily available. Given a certain blood disorder I am forced to take anticoagulants (blood thinners) daily and follow up with a hematologist. There is no surgeon in their right mind that would touch me without authorization from my hematologist, which can get incredibly frustrating. Imagine having a dental emergency of breaking a tooth and needing to have it pulled yet having to wait three to four days, in agony, in order to have your hematologist run tests, take you off medication, give the approval and THEN allow the oral surgeon to remove the tooth. This is for simple tooth extractions; now try to imagine the difficulty which must be faced when it comes time to have chest construction surgery – a double mastectomy.

Last year I planned to have my top surgery in March. It has been something I have been wanting to have done for nearly four years now but health insurances do not cover this procedure therefore I needed to get the money together myself. At last, in December of 2010 I happily reached my goal and proceeded to get the necessary proceedings in order. My therapist provided me with the letter of approval required by surgeons for this kind of procedure and I made the appointment with the leading surgeon here in South Florida. Since I was going to be having my top surgery once and for all, I also made an appointment with the endocrinologist in order to discuss the hormone therapy that I would undergo. This consists of injections of testosterone taken weekly, which are given in order for my body to develop the necessary second sexual characteristics needed for me to fully transition. This includes, but not limited to, body hair, lower voice and overall change of body structure. I cannot fully express how incredibly exciting this was for me. Finally I was ready to begin my transition in order to feel comfortable and at one with my body and mind. Then the floor was slipped out from under me.

Given my medical condition, neither the surgeon nor the endocrinologist would treat me without the authorization given from my hematologist. Therefore I made my appointment with her and was met with news that would ultimately shake my very foundation. She would not approve the top surgery to be completely as an out-patient procedure which is how the surgeon completes all surgeries. Due to the fact that I need to be monitored closely I would have to be admitted to the hospital. No big deal, correct? Well, recall the fact that insurance companies do not cover these procedures? The cost of the surgery nearly quadrupled. A very hard blow to take – but I tried to keep my head up and think positive. Money will come – but I wasn’t prepared for the final blow. My condition makes hormone therapy too high of a risk therefore she would not, and could not, consent to it.

It was a hard blow, which did have a very debilitating effect on my mood and outlook. Slowly I came to terms of it, however. Not much else I could do so here I am today and refusing to allow it to get the better of me. I am in the process of contacting other specialists via my therapist to try to see if there is a way around this. Pushing that aside I now have to face a decision which at one point was a no brainer, yet now, I find myself hesitating. Will I go through with chest construction? Although some may consider it an easy decision, my inability to go on hormones does make me stop and consider what that will mean. Right now I pass as male at times – a very young male. I have no facial hair and at times I do bind. Yet in spite of this I am fully aware of the fact that I am in the greater grey area when it comes to the gender spectrum. It isn’t something I focus on, wallow over and such but it is certainly something that I do consider. Although I would love to sit back and claim that it does not matter, ultimately it does. Not for society but for me – my comfort and my ability to finally feel at one with my body. But what will this entail?

If I do go through with the top surgery, I will have no breasts which is a bonus – yet I will be lacking the extra masculinity that testosterone would offer. Am I to forever live in the grey? A boy who is not yet a man, nor will ever grow to be a man. I do have moments when it gets rather irritating. Yes there are stares, whispers, etc. Most of the time they roll right off of me – but some other times, it does irritate me or even makes me laugh. As you can imagine, one of the daily activities which brings this to the forefront of my mind is the public restrooms issue. I am pretty sure that in any TG person’s blog you come across, this topic will be covered at some point. It is inescapable. So what do you do when you are too masculine to use the women’s restroom but not masculine enough to use the male’s room? Last Thursday I had to use the restroom and went into the women’s restroom – upon leaving one of the workers of the establishment walked in and gave me a look of both shock and anger. In an upset tone she looked me in the eyes and proceeded to say sarcastically “Hello! No men allowed.” I smiled and proceeded to make my quick exit but couldn’t help but shake my head. Do I understand? Of course. Yet it brings me back to my current situation and my options. My top surgery would not be done in order to appease society; it will be done in order to make me feel comfortable about myself. But I am not blind and must keep in mind what this will entail. I will be in the in-between and will face more of these constant issues. As it is right now, people will watch me and stare in hopes of trying to decipher the mystery of whether I am male or female. At times my voice will give it away, whereas other times I can actually see their gaze fall from my face to my chest. To some, I will be considered a masculine woman. What happens when the indicator is gone? Great, right? Not always the case. When people are unable to use these “signs” to peg me whatever it is they wish – they do stare. Annoying, yes, but more importantly what I keep in mind is safety.

When I think of transitioning halfway, I think about my safety. Not only my safety but that of my partner but more importantly, the children. Though we do live in a society which is far more advanced than it was a mere twenty years ago, it is still a dangerous one nonetheless.

Examples:

• 1993 – Brandon Teena, transgendered man, was raped and murdered in Humboldt, Nebraska.
• 1998 – Matthew Shepard killed due to the attackers’ feelings on his homosexuality.
• 1999 – Barry Winchell, a young soldier beaten to death for falling in love with a transgendered woman.
• 2010 – A transgendered male student of California State University was attacked when using the men’s room. According to police, the suspect pulled the victim’s T-shirt over his head, pushed him into a stall, and then slashed his chest with a sharp object, carving the word “IT.” Victim’s name not disclosed.

These are only those who have stood out the most for me due to my own personal interests in researching the news articles, books and movies. However there are thousands upon thousands of cases that occur yearly. Violence plagues the streets of nearly every city in the country. No one is exempt from it; however people whose identity falls under the umbrella term of GLBTQ seem to have bulls eye on their back.

Some Statistics:

• Gays and lesbians are the most frequent victims of hate crimes. (SIECUS Fact Sheet on Comprehensive Sexuality Education. (February/March 1993).  “Sexual Orientation and Identity.” SIECUS Report.)
• Gays and lesbians are at least 7 times more likely to be crime victims than heterosexual people. (SIECUS Fact Sheet on Comprehensive Sexuality Education. (February/March 1993).  “Sexual Orientation and Identity.” SIECUS Report.)
• At least 75% of crimes against gays and lesbians are not reported to anyone. (National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute Report. (1991).  Washington, DC.)
• In a study of 5 metropolitan areas (including Boston, Chicago, Minneapolis/St. Paul, New York City, and San Francisco), there were 1,833 [reported) incidents of anti-gay and anti-lesbian crimes, which was a 31% increase over the previous year. (National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute Report. (1991).  Washington, DC.)

Take for example how common it is for people to engage in the violation starting in school: “75% of people committing hate crimes are under age 30 – one in three are under 18 – and some of the most pervasive anti-gay violence occurs in schools.” –New York Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Report, 1996.

Too much violence in the world today and it is something that many people face daily simply because they have the courage to stand up and be themselves. So yes, due to the circumstance, there will be times when something as simple as using a public restroom will cause a person to pause, even for a second. Fortunately there is more of an effort being made by many in order to bring such things to light.

Tonight MTV will be airing a one-hour special called It Gets Better, focusing on the stories of three extraordinary young people:

• a young gay man struggling to tell his family and friends about who he really is
• a lesbian looking for parental acceptance
• a transgender man preparing to get married

Click here for the trailer.

Masculinity and the “it” factor.

Masculinity and the “it” factor

This afternoon I left work early due to feeling ill.  Like many people, when such occurrences take place, all I long for is comfort.  However on my drive home the light on my dashboard came on yet again and I pulled into a gas station to check my tire pressures and inflate them as necessary.  As I was finishing up on the last tire I couldn’t help but notice the chuckling I heard behind me.  Feeling uncomfortable, unwell and highly fatigued I didn’t pay much attention to it until I heard the familiar words – “that isn’t a woman. Is it? What is it?” Needless to say, I didn’t have to guess as to what or whom they were referring to.  As I got back on my feet I turn to take a look at the bystanders and find three men standing by a work truck.  One is standing near the rear and on the phone in his own world whereas the two by the front were standing there beside each other starring, whispering, jabbing each other on the sides and doing very little to hide it.

To those in the GLBTQ community that were born in a female body, yet embrace masculinity, this is not a rare occurrence – sadly.  However, I will admit that this is the first time since my preteen and teen years in school, where the spectators were so incredibly uncouth.  In those days it was normal to face the other kids in schools and their bullying.  In my adult life, I continue to experience such situations nearly on a daily basis.  I have not taken the time to introduce myself properly on this blog endeavor of mine, so I would like to take the opportunity to do so now.

I am in my late 20’s and the youngest of four children.  I have held a full-time job since the age of fifteen and not once have I ever been let go of a place of employment.  I have put myself through school without taking money from either of my parents.  I am not yet 30 years old and I own my own home, am looking to purchase my second home in the coming year and am about to finish paying off my new vehicle.  I help support my mother financially and emotionally, taking  responsibility for her and the happenings of the home.  I graduated on the Dean’s List when I obtained my Associate’s Degree.  Through work and dedication I then went on to graduate with Honor’s with a Bachelor in Psychology and am half way through my Master’s Degree – and thankfully I have been fortunate enough to maintain a 4.0 average.   I mention these attributes about my life for one simple reason, they are all positive yet perhaps the one thing about me that people often focus on is my masculinity.  I am female bodied yet I do not identify as female.  I first came out as a butch lesbian but as I became more comfortable in myself and dug deeper I came to accept the fact that I relate more to a mea then I do to being a woman.  Call me gender-queer or trans, I am comfortable with both but it seems the world at large is often insulted by it.  It appears that it is the most pertinent thing about me to some, and many butches/dykes/bois/transmen can possibly relate.

Although comments/remarks/stares and discomfort from today is not uncommon – some days, in spite my better judgment, it does affect me.  I often wonder if there will come a day when differences will be respected.  I do not expect, nor hope, for open acceptance – however respect is not too much to ask.  It is very upsetting to be reminded of closed-mindedness.  I came home and decided to put my thoughts on paper – so to speak.  While going through the web I stumbled across a blog’s caption that grabbed my attention: The dangers of women trying to be men.

I clicked on the link, and quickly hoped I hadn’t.  The posting began with biblical quotes about masculine women being unnatural.  Then the writer begins her journaling:

“There is an epidemic in this country of women trying to be men. Not sure what their problem is. Last I checked, men do not have monthly cycles and breasts. How a woman can look in the mirror and determine that she is a man simply because she has a man’s haircut is beyond me.”After dealing with the rude remarks and stares from the gentlemen at the gas station, I encountered more judgment and ridicule online.  The latter, of course, being my choice.  Nevertheless, the comments at the bottom of the page just sunk my spirits deeper.  Talk of God, the Bible, prayers and so forth were brought up.  All of which was rather disturbing but I was still unable to shake a particular piece from the original post.“The two incidents in New York—one resulting in a death and one resulting in possible brain damage are indicative of the dangers of women trying to be something that they are not.”

I shake my head and I try to push it aside.  Yet I am ending my day with an additional reason, and motive, for us as a community to stand up and be heard.  Whether you are a masculine woman, feminine man or perhaps even an ally who isn’t even part of the GLBTQ community – don’t allow the ignorance, negativity and judgment to silence you.  If you see it, stand up.  And in spite the horrible things that people who oppose our choices say and do – if you believe in a God, keep them in your prayers regardless for it is those  that are the ones lost and need guidance.

As lonely as it may appear – we aren’t alone.

How many more lives will be lost before the message is clear?

It doesn’t take much for any of us to acknowledge the violence that exists in our society. All one has to do is turn on the TV or simply go on to the internet to see the news, reports of numerous acts of violence flash before our eyes. Often times we watch from the comfort and safety of our homes, or perhaps even our work place. Such horrible things that go on in the world, many will think – yet somewhere in the recess of everyone’s mind it is safe to say that many view this as something that does not happen around them. Yet I stop and wonder, do people ever realize that such horrible acts of hatred, discrimination and prejudice go on right beneath their noses? When picking up their children from school – does anyone stop to think that our children are, right now, facing such things?

Maybe… hopefully, it will not take the death of a young teenager for people to open their eyes to the reality that such atrocities are going on all around them. Many of our children have to endure difficulties in school due to an array of reasons. It could be based on race, socioeconomic status or looks.  It saddens me that the horrendous consequences of bullying continue to be ignored. Were the horrible events that caused the death of Matthew Shepard not enough to make us open our eyes and acknowledge that we as a society need to make changes? It is my belief that everything begins at home; children are an empty canvas with absolutely endless possibilities. As adults we are responsible for them, and I do not mean simply materially – there is more to providing a roof, clothes and food. It is up to us to teach them the basic principles of being a good person with lessons of acceptance and understanding of people’s differences – it is in our power to raise them with open minds, balanced with strong ethics of equality, fairness and so forth. Yet, much to my dismay, I am acutely aware of the fact that so many parents are failing the children of today. This failure inevitably affects the child and the manner in which they behave and treat others, causing a ripple effect as the young child’s actions and words then go on to affect another person. I often ask myself why it is so difficult to respect others for their differences, but the truth of it is that negativity can only produce more negativity. And regrettably, GLBTQ youths fall victim to the consequences of such bigotry. Not only emotionally, but this horrible cycle has led to the deaths of many young people.

As children grow to become teenagers their beliefs on what is right or wrong are firmly established. The teenage years are filled with obstacles as the journey to find ourselves begins. Experimentation begins; suddenly we become aware of what sets us apart from others, we begin to develop our beliefs and we desperately try to find a niche as emotions rush through us. It is a delicate time for many; I think nearly everyone can agree that being a teenager was not always easy. For a GLBTQ youth, it is even more difficult. As we begin to better understand ourselves many of us have to face the misguided notion that the people we are are bad, evil, unnatural, freakish, and in some cases even an abomination. I could write page after page about the hardships that GLBTQ youths have to face. My own struggles alone can fill pages. It is no surprise that suicide rates are through the roof; with a very heavy heart I am sad to say that a GLBTQ youth is two times as likely to commit suicide. Those who are rejected by their parents are EIGHT TIMES more likely to attempt suicide.

It’s a horrible tragedy, to say the very least. It is absolutely heartbreaking, and not only does it fill me with sorrow but anger. Not anger to lash out in violence, but anger that makes me want to demand change. A few weeks ago, on September 18^th, we lost another life – young Jamey Rodemeyer hung himself outside his suburban Buffalo home. This young 14 tear old teen took his life because he could no longer take the bullying he was forced to endure, not only by his peers in school but also online.

The reason for the bullying? He was gay.

I do not ask, nor hope, for total and unconditional acceptance. Truth is that I am not naïve enough to believe that all people should be accepting and “okay” with watching two people of the same sex or gender holding hands. What I do hope for, nay, what I will be working towards, is the acceptance of the people we are in the sense that we are granted equality but above all else, I yearn for the day when anyone, of all ages, can be safe no matter their sexual orientation or their gender.

It is 2011, you would think that we are an advanced society yet we continue to live in an incredibly discriminating world. GLBTQ youths, adults and the elderly face various levels of not only injustice but violence as well.

• People are tormented and bullied for being gay. Not only young children and teenagers but young adults as well. At times it is so bad that it drives many to suicide.
• We do not have the right to marry, in most states which means we do not have the legal rights granted to married couples. If your partner of say, twenty maybe even forty years, is in critical condition and at times may even be in their death bed… you can, and at times are, kept from being by their side and there is not a legal thing you can do.
• We do not have the ability to adopt in many states. Adoption agencies are filled to capacity, yet a loving couple is not able to adopt a child. If you are helping to raise a child your partner had, at times you will not be able to adopt that child. Therefore you will have no legal rights to them.
• Some youths are institutionalized for being “mentally ill” because they are homosexual. Lynn Doss was admitted to the mental hospital against her will, and remained there for years as she underwent shock therapy, was placed on different medications and put through “special classes” in order to “cure” her from being “gay”.
• Amongst trangender people, about 60% report being victims of a violent assault.
• Amongst homeless gay youth, 73% report being kicked out due to their orientation.

It is time for change, and all change begins within each one of us taking that first step. Advocating, teaching, explaining, picketing, standing up and allow our voices to be heard.

• We do not choose to be different.
• We do not choose to live a life in which we will be ridiculed, judged, tormented and discriminated against.
• We do not choose to live a life that may go against all of our “family values” or religious beliefs.

How many more people have to take their lives in order for people to open their minds to others’ differences and realize that the hate has to stop?

More importantly, how many more tragedies must occur before we, as individuals, begin to take a stand?

Photograph from Underground Photography